Adding to Our Panamanian Family - Meet Reina!

"The fate of animals is of greater importance to me than the fear of appearing ridiculous; it is indissolubly connected with the fate of men." ~ Émile Zola

It wasn't a hard decision to offer to her home. It wasn't even a question. She was homeless and needed a family to love her. An amazing women found her on the streets, scared & confused, infected with flees & ticks, and very malnourished. She picked her up and took her to her vet. Where the pup found shelter and treatment. Then 6 weeks later when she was health and happy, another good friend helped find her a home. Home with us.

Many like to tease me for my "zoo" life style. Something I have always loved. From my science classroom to my home, I live to have life around us. Also something Jordan loves greatly too. I think that is why we both still dream of building our school for foster girls and animal ranch in Montana. But I digress...

Named Reina by the Vet's nurses and meaning QUEEN in Spanish, she has come home on to RULE this kingdom. Einstein and Zorro are seeming cool with her living here. They are working out their opinions quite well. Even sharing the water bowl and basket of toys. Amazingly the older and sometime more grumpy one (Zorro) is more content with Reina than the younger baby of the family (Einstein). If it funny watching him suffer the same "let play" taunting from Reina that he use to do to Zorro years ago. His frustration and response is similar to how Zorro responded to him. Talk about ones past actions coming back to "bite you" literally. 

 

She is a cuddler and a sweet young thing... it's great having some new bouncy puppy energy in the home. Welcome home Reina.....

I find myself at a crossroad I did not see coming.

“I think you will agree that life's plans are not always tied up in neat little packages. Occasionally we find ourselves at unexpected crossroads with more than one opportunity from which to choose. Time itself is often the best indicator of which decision to make, for it can tell so many thing that are now hazy.” ― L. Chaikin, Tomorrow's Treasure

I knew moving to Panama was a crossroad and it was a welcome change. But I think sometimes our past experiences taint our future even when those experiences were positive. I intentionally chose not to explore opportunities in Asia as I did not want to feel like Tim's spirit was everywhere and I did not want to be constantly trying to relive the past. What I did not expect or realize was that subconsciously my past international experiences would be frequently measuring and judging this new Panama experience. To complicate matters those "internal subconscious evaluations" seem to be effecting me happiness and inner core.

As we mark mine months in Panama next week, I am finding myself uncertain that Panama is truly home. While an interesting country steep with history and luscious forests, it isn't feeling like home. Despite having a house, furnishing it our way, building our garden, and trying to "nest". It all feels forced or fake. A friend once said she was taught to "fake it until you make it" and I get the meaning, but inside I feel so phony and false almost like I am trying to convince myself it is real.

Oddly the language is the most frustrating for me despite years of Spanish schooling. I know that nearly 20 years of non-use has rusted my brain. I guess I thought it would come back quicker or more naturally. Funny how that is! In Hong Kong, I don't remember the Chinese language barrier being so frustrating or paralyzing. Maybe that was because there was more English around (given it had been a British Colony more recently) or maybe it was because my husband spoke Cantonese fluently. But here, I feel captive and hesitant to explore beyond the local boundaries for fear of failure to communicate.

To add a layer of perplexity to the equation. Life has presented me with an opportunity to change my mind and head back to the US this summer or even next year. A part of me feels like taking what my mind call the "quitter" or "easy way out" and head back to Washington. Maybe because it is comfortable and familiar. Maybe it is because I actually for once laid down roots there (6 years in one place is a long time for me). But I know I wasn't feels content or happy those last year, which is why we sought out the change. Maybe it is because I have my 5th wheel there waiting for me to go explore America (the path not chosen because we chose Panama).

But then my rational side starts to argue "have you really given it a chance", "what about all the money you spent to move and settle", "is one year enough to really make that big of a decision on", "will one more year kill you", "how do you know going back will be any different", " so many others seem happy here, what component are you missing", and so forth. The real problem is that I don't feel comfortable with any of the three path that lay before me. It is the quagmire I find myself in. We will see where we end up.